I mentioned in my last lifestyle post, New Plans for New Years, that I got a massage while in Arizona. On a vacation, there is nothing better in my eyes than spending the last day relaxing. I love returning home feeling rejuvenated, and the perfect way to do that is a massage.. so I thought. Clark, his mom, my best friend, and I all ventured out to get Chinese massages, something I had never done. Clark's mom, Clark and I have all gotten several massages before. Honestly, we try to make it a regular thing every time we get together. My best friend on the other hand had never before had a massage; not a foot massage, not a leg massage, not even a hand massage. She doesn't exactly like to be touched.. by anyone. (Don't worry I asked for permission to write about this!)
So back to the story: We decided to go get massages, and I spent about an hour explaining to my friend how amazing they are, that she would get used to it and be able to relax. I also said that because we would be clothed, she would have nothing to feel uncomfortable about. She reluctantly trusted me and agreed to go, or we forced her.. I'm not really sure which.
When we got into the car Clark's mom said, "I hope I don't get the big guy again! He was rough!" I, sitting in the backseat with my friend, look over at her and see all hope for a relaxing night drain from her face. We all burst into laughter realizing how terrified she truly was. This is what really set up the tone for the night.
We got to the store and they took us back to where the four of us would be getting our massages. We all sat down on our beds, looking mostly towards my friend to see her reaction. She looked no less terrified than she had hearing about the "big guy". We all immediately started laughing once again. This time however, we could not stop. It was silent in the building, but there were only thin curtains separating our room from the other people getting massages. We knew we were supposed to be quiet, but that made it so much worse. It took over 5 minutes for the four of us to regain control and act like the adults we are supposed to pretend to be.
After finally quieting down, the four masseuses came into the room and stood up by our heads. Thank goodness my friend got one of the girls. We were all laying on our back and they put masks over our eyes.
I just kept thinking to myself, "my poor friend. Don't laugh. She must be so uncomfortable right now. Don't laugh. Oops I forgot to mention that they do that. Don't laugh."
I was doing a pretty good job until I suddenly started hearing someone in the other room being smacked. This was not just a light, quiet pat. This was someone being beaten.. hard. I smiled and almost started laughing, but was able to pull myself together. At this point I was just feeling so thankful that we hadn't signed up for that type of massage.
My masseuse began massaging my arm; then she paused. Suddenly.. SMACK! She hit me on the arm. SMACK! She hit me again. This continued for far too long. I could only think about my friend laying next to me listening to this (I was the first of the group to be beaten). She must've been terrified, and mentally hating and blaming me. What the heck had I made her do.
We all continued to have each of our limbs massaged and then beaten. Now don't get me wrong, there were parts that felt amazing. However when they began hitting you again, it was pretty easy to forget those good parts. This went on for a while and then we were all asked to flip over. We each looked at each other and all were thinking the same thing.. or not.
Clark's Mom: "How much are you guys loving this? I am!"
Clark: "I definitely got the big guy."
Me: "I counted, and no one else was beaten as badly as me."
My friend: "I hate all of you."
After flipping over, the masseuse ran her hands down my back to my butt and then down to my.. oh wait, no. She stopped at my butt. That is where she spent the next 20 minutes. As I said I have had many massages before, but none like this. Without going into too much detail, it was wayyy too much butt action. They all stuck to their routine as well: massage and then beating. They smacked, punched, and beat our butts until any hope of sitting comfortably in the future was gone. Of course the only thing on my mind: they are rubbing my best friend's butt; my best friend who doesn't like a hand on her back while posing for pictures, my best friend who doesn't snuggle with anyone, my best friend who may not be my best friend after this. And honestly, who could blame her.
The last thing they did was cross your legs and fold them up by your back. Each masseuse did this to each of us at the same time. The big, rough masseuse said something in Chinese to the others and they all started laughing. Then Clark began laughing; next his mom. All of a sudden I realized why: his masseuse had pushed all his weight down onto Clark's legs and leaned towards his lower back. It was then that Clark farted. Yes, farted. We all at this point could smell it, and so there was no going back to a relaxing massage. We sat up almost in tears from laughing, and then quickly ran out of the room.. never, ever to return again.